Stop Gaslighting Women of Colour + The Organisations That Support Us
by Nikita Aashi Chadha
Content warnings: mentions of race, gaslighting.
Please note that i wrote this when i identified as a woman, which i no longer do.
If you’ve read any of my other pieces, you’ll know that I’m someone who has a lot to say. A lot of my pieces for Cysters are prompted by real-life events and interactions with whiteness. The same can be said for a lot of women of colour who write – who find a method of expression for their innermost thoughts. We want to give the reader an insight into the issues we face, sometimes daily. If you are someone who speaks truth to power, tries to unsettle the status quo or speaks for those who don’t usually have a voice, that is rarely met without opposition, or the centring of whiteness. If this is something you have experienced as an organisation or individual, you know what I am talking about and the toll that these encounters can have. If you are operating within whiteness (worth saying here, that you don’t have to be white to conform to whiteness, and this also includes people who are white passing), you are probably already doing this to others within our space, and may be unaware, or entirely aware of the damage that you’re doing.
My primary function is to educate and to offer a critical insight and analysis. This insight comes from my lived experience, and I won’t have those experiences negated. If this piece makes you feel uncomfortable, you have some room to grow, and some room to confront your own beliefs and expectations of me. I can’t be expected to make you feel better. Not when your movement constantly hurts us. It erases our narratives and replaces them with the same old story. We are tired. We need to speak up and, more importantly, you need to listen.
I want to talk about taking up space – and how you may be taking that space away from women of colour. As always, the members of Cysters are vocal online about the lack of inclusivity in this space for marginalised people. There are countless scores of Endometriosis support groups that are centred in both whiteness and femininity. Those spaces tend to label themselves as ‘inclusive’ and will mention certain groups in their ‘About Me’, e.g. people of colour, transgender communities. This by itself isn’t problematic… but surely claiming to serve demographics that aren’t even present within your membership numbers is? Instead of claiming something you aren’t, why aren’t you signposted to already established groups that are plugged into those communities? You might think claiming to help everyone is being inclusive, but how much scope and expertise do you actually have to help the communities you are claiming to serve? How could you hope to help people when you have no experience of their problems? Are you actually helping these demographics, or are you centring yourself as the saviour for our communities?
When activists of colour, in this space, discuss issues like this publicly, something interesting happens. Whiteness centres itself again, and we get messages from organisations and individuals that we are ‘targeting them’ or ‘calling them out’. Look, if you feel like our messaging about organisations not being inclusive applies to you, if you are only focusing on white, female narratives of endometriosis, then understand this: we are calling you out. We are calling out anyone who adheres to this, the structural inequality of it all, and it is not a personal attack. If the statement applies to you in all honesty, that is your problem to bear, and your duty to rectify it. Do not gaslight us, approach us, and tell us how inclusive you are. Talk is cheap, and we are tired of performative allyship for you to gain more media traction or funding.
When you gain those things at our benefit, you are then using resources that could be used to bolster our communities… yet we never see that funding, we never see you uplifting marginalised voices – we just see you furthering your own agenda. If you are confronted with this reality, and you make it all about yourself, i.e. “I feel very attacked by this post”,… you are still centring yourself. Surely, you should be more concerned about hurting our communities than your own feelings? We see you, and we do not rate you. You may call yourself an ally, but we will never see you as one until you stop talking and start doing. Make space for us, invite us to the conversation you are having about us. If not, what you’re doing at best is white saviourism.
What we need are people who are willing to be uncomfortable, willing to grow and recognise their biases. No one is perfect. Cysters itself rebranded last year to include transgender and non-binary people and communities when we were told that we were un-inclusive. We spoke to members of that community, we made fiscal changes to our name and what we stand for – as we understand that making more space for others doesn’t diminish our space, or make it any less ours.
I’ve got some top dos and don’ts when it comes to allyship between whiteness and cultural communities. If you are white, and you are in this space, please bear these in mind before speaking to us about the above. I’ve set it out here in black and white (no pun intended), and you can treat this as a resource.
- Do not centre yourself. If you are going to message Cysters, or us directly and speak about how you feel attacked by our posts and expect us to give you sympathy and appease your guilt, let me stop you there. Do not message us sentiments like this. We are not responsible for your feelings, and we will not centre you. Society centres and favours whiteness, but that isn’t something that I will be doing personally, or us as an organisation. Why don’t you message us an action plan or approach us for ways that you could change instead?
- Do some research and don’t expect us to educate you. It takes a lot of emotional labour and energy to engage in conversations about oppression and racism. It may be a great talking point or discussion for you, but this is our reality, and that has a profound impact on us. There is research out there that details the psychological effects of dealing with and having to explain racism on people of colour. Order books, read articles, watch documentaries on our struggles and understand the impact of whiteness for yourself. I can suggest many resources for you – you can also use Google yourself for free.
- Do not gaslight us. Do not tell us that what we are feeling is wrong. Do not tell us how you are a good white person and none of this applies to you. Do not tell us that you can’t centre whiteness as a mixed race person – when you are very much white-passing and operate within the world as white. Do not expect us to make room for you in a space that should be ours, but you are still fixating on navigating.
- Do pay us for our time and energy. Stop assuming we are here to educate you for free. If you are going to approach us and ask us to educate you, or your organisation, do not insult us by expecting us to do it for free. We pay people for their time, skills and experiences. You would not expect someone to deliver other types of training for free, and you should not be asking us to do so and disenfranchising us further. We should be paid for our contributions, especially if we are assisting you and your entire organisation.
- Do invite us to speak about our communities instead of speaking for us. If you want to be inclusive, invite us to share our stories with your audience – so they are hearing it from us directly. You don’t need to act as our middleman, and we do not want you to speak on our behalf. We have our own voices that should be heard. We don’t need to hear your account of our issues.
And finally, I expect backlash from this. Every time I have written or spoken about whiteness, there has been pushback. Generally, from people who do not want to understand or acknowledge how they fit into the system, and how they perpetuate damaging narratives. If reading this prompts you to feel like you must message me and explain how you are a good white person, how your organisation doesn’t do this, do not message me.
Decenter yourself, read through this again and work consciously on becoming a better ally to us. Work with us to make this space more inclusive, and stop assuming you can do it on your own or without us.