I’m Not Listening – Things to Remember When You’re Being Racially Gaslighted (Thank You, UK Government)

by Nikita Aashi Chadha

Content warnings: mentions and discussions of race, racism, racial gaslighting, trauma

I can’t say that the report on racial disparity in the UK (or supposed lack of) last week surprised me at all. I know there are waves of people, mainly white, and from the majority, that have been shocked by the government’s behaviour recently. We’ve just experienced the murder of Sarah Everard, and witnessed the police’s aggressive response to attendees of a peaceful vigil in her honour. Social media channels have been lit up with footage from the ‘Kill the Bill’ protests – and the nation seems to be selectively outraged. They can’t believe the police are acting this way (“they are supposed to protect us”), or that the media is skewing the nation’s perspective, and is being biased towards those in power. Some of these people would have condemned the BLM protests earlier in the year, and now find themselves on the other side of the fence.

People feel powerless, unseen, unheard. They don’t feel protected by the people that are supposed to serve them. Welcome to the twilight zone, my friends – an insight into the people of colour *experience*

(Please note I said ‘insight’. Feeling this way as a result of recent events is in no way similar to being subjected to, or watching the people you love be subjected to these narratives or held by these systems across lifetimes).

Everyone wants to be Black or Brown nowadays. To be different. But no one actually wants to be in reality – would anyone opt to be a person of colour within a criminal court trial if they had the choice? No, they wouldn’t, unless they willingly want to face additional bias, discrimination, as well as longer and more severe prison sentences for the same crimes. I remember having a conversation with this man at work who used to sit on the same floor as me. He tried desperately throughout the conversation to separate himself from his race; he said that being white “wasn’t cool”. Do you know what is cool? Intergenerational wealth, not being targeted or seen as a threat by the police, living longer, being more likely to survive a trip to the hospital, living somewhere with less environmental pollution, having access to better education – I could go on, but I think you see my point. The naivety is almost embarrassing – but also interesting. I’ve seen this behaviour amongst Brown and Black people; it’s something I’ve been guilty of myself, many, many times. But I’d never seen it amongst white people before – that it may finally be a racial identity that some people want to step away from. (I don’t condone or expect anyone to do this; it’s more of an observation of how being perceived as white is changing).

We’re reaching that point where people are starting to wake up, not just to what is happening right now, but to the historical events that have led to this point. The internet is alive with allyship, information and knowledge sharing – whilst there is still a lot left to do, we have to acknowledge that things have changed. Nowhere near enough for my liking, there is a real complacency amongst neo-liberal people that is frustrating and bewildering. But the conversation is at least evolving, even in my lifetime. Terms like ‘white privilege’ and ‘white saviourism’ may have been known in academic circles, but they weren’t around when I was a child, and they weren’t normalised in the same way they are today. Access to that kind of information or terminology could have been life-changing in terms of my identity and self-esteem issues. I would have been able to name the power structure that impacted my life daily: whiteness. Conversations are being had now that are learning curves for us all, but they are being had… just not by the people who are in charge of running this country.

There have been countless reports, audits, studies and real-life cases over the recent years that detail how systemically unequal the UK is, across all intersections (race, class, gender, sexuality, ability, religion) and within all of its institutions: the legal system, parliament itself, the NHS, education, housing, benefits, social services – I will leave the list there but make no mistake, the discriminatory approach towards minoritised people within all of these services exists and is much more far-reaching than the examples I’ve given. Last year, we saw the revitalisation of the Black Lives Matter movement and the influx of brands and organisations that suddenly Black-washed their advertisements or products, claiming that they “wanted to acknowledge their wrongs and do better!” We witnessed the Windrush Scandal and heard how the tories created “a hostile environment” towards migrants, and let’s be honest, people of colour, because the go home vans were not driving around Kensington and Chelsea, but the predominantly Brown and Black areas of Barking and Dagenham, Barnet, Brent, Ealing, Hounslow, and Redbridge. It hasn’t even been 5 years yet since the Grenfell fire, and those who were affected or killed, again predominantly working-class Black and Brown people. It seems laughable, really, when looking at contemporary BREXIT britain, that the government can have the audacity to tell us that our lived experiences are non-existent. This is coming from the prime minister who has been outwardly prejudiced towards most demographics within the UK – you’ll have to forgive me if I check out and do not read your 258-page report about how racism doesn’t exist.

258 pages on a topic you don’t believe is real, or know anything about, seems a bit over the top for me personally. Do you remember a time as a student when you were asked to submit a long essay on a book you hadn’t gotten around to reading yet? How you would google synonyms to make the essay seem better than it actually was? Inevitably, you’d run out of things to talk about, so you’d just waffle on, turning nonsense concepts and sentences into whole paragraphs. You’d just turn it in and hope for the best – this report feels a lot like that kind of energy to me. I wouldn’t trust the UK government to tell me what the colour of the sky is, let alone the true extent of racial inequality in this country.

The uk has a race problem. It has had a race problem for a very long time, since the empire was formed in the 17th century. Other european empires were formed earlier in the 15th century, which would have had contextual influence, too. The systems in this country (law, education, healthcare, government) were established by those in power, the white, upper-class elite, and it will only serve those people. They will never relinquish the information or data that proves it or the power they hold. Research carries the bias of those conducting it, parts can be cherry-picked and used to reinforce narratives that aren’t true. Women of colour especially are missing from a lot of data sets, because they usually aren’t seen as important enough to include, or are within “a hard part of society to reach” – when in reality, they just aren’t committed to trying very hard to bring us to the table. Knowing all of these things, it was an easy decision not to read this report, it is the ultimate act of self-care. I’m not about to let people who sit in the upper parts of society tell me anything about my experiences or the things I’ve been subjected to because of my identity. I know the report was supposedly headed by a committee of people of colour – but I also know what it’s like to be tokenised by a white organisation or space, that use you as an excuse to perpetuate falsehoods – or to assimilate to such extremities that you forget who you inherently are at your core (assimilation for me, and many other people of colour, has always been accompanied by trauma, there are layers upon layers to the barriers faced by non-white people in this country). They may be named and pictured within the report, but I know the people leading this country look nothing like them. I know they have their own agenda and self-interests to push onto society, onto the populace, and onto me – it’s one that I refuse to accept.

No one gets to define my experience. Especially not someone who has never experienced it for themselves. Only I do. It’s personal and specific to me. I don’t speak for my entire community, because we are not a monolith; we are individual voices and people. This is relevant across all intersections; the majority can’t speak for the minoritised: if we’re talking about conversations specifically around race, white people, and especially the white people in power, do not get to define what racism is, how we experience it, and how it affects our lives.

Examples of racial gaslighting:

“I don’t see colour”

“Racism doesn’t exist anymore”

“Not everything is about race, why is everything about race with you”

“I’m sure XXX wasn’t being racist. Here are 20 examples why”

Things to remember when someone is trying to negate your experience or to gaslight you:

Breathe. Be kind to yourself.
Who you are and the things you have already come through or faced. Those things have given you a unique perspective on other people, yourself, and society. Not everyone has had the same experiences, so not everyone will automatically resonate with your point of view – it is okay to not always be understood. There are times when people will purposefully misunderstand us so that they don’t have to acknowledge their own behaviour, words or actions.
This person is doing it for a reason. Whether it is ignorance, to shift blame, to make you feel guilty, etc. This is not your fault.
You don’t have to engage with this person; you can choose to walk away from this conversation. (If it’s someone you know or love, you can set a clear boundary with them: ‘I am walking away from this conversation for my mental health’, ‘I feel like you are not understanding my experiences and I’m not in the space to explain myself’, ‘Please could you read up on XXX [e.g. tone policing])’
Some people will never be ready to understand your experiences because it means being accountable for their actions or any harm. It is okay to cut those people out of your life.
Speak your truth. No one can tell you what you know to be inherently true or real.
Express the emotions that you are feeling – as you feel them. We’re conditioned to see emotions positively or negatively, i.e. anger is BAD. All of your emotions are valid and real, and you are allowed to express how other people make you feel
The pain, frustration and mental health effects of gaslighting, and explaining racism are real and documented. It is okay if this incident triggers associated memories, and if you have to take some time away afterwards. There is nothing wrong with resting and giving yourself what you need. That is a testament to personal strength and nothing else.
There will be different responses when this happens, and that’s also okay. Sometimes I am stoic and silent and choose to walk away, other times, I stand my ground fiercely and fire knowledge back at them that counteracts their claims. ‘Kill them with kindness’ is something I practice, but usually accompanied with sarcasm or condescending tones. There have been many times when I’ve cried or gotten extremely angry when triggered by the things people have said. There is no wrong or right reaction, and you can’t predict how your body will react to trauma (gaslighting inflicts trauma in many ways, and reopens old wounds, too)
A person’s behaviour towards others is a reflection of themselves – this says more about them than it does about you.